Eeeek.

Sorry, sorry, sorry!! Too little blogging, too much awful food consumption.

I am in the first hours of south beach phase 1 a wagon I have desperately been trying to et back on to for aaaaaages ... anyway, I'm trying to conquer many things, career horrors, boredom, self hatred, lack of enthusiasm, too many enthusiasms, vanity, desire. Had an omelette , soup and chicken salad all in the hopes of finding dietary/spiritual enlightenment.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Halloween... I am not even American (yet) for heaven's sake...I have no reason whatsoever to celebrate it....ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Halloween, why do you torture me with your endless access to candy... ooooooooooooooooh halloween.... YOU SUCK!!!

:(...... sheepish voice, I ate too much candy.

Have I mentioned how much I loath my computer?

I'm in the dieting wilderness, taken to eating one meal a day which is not working at all, but at least I am doing that because I am so busy and not because I am a pre-anorexic ( sigh...if wishes were horses and all...).

In other news I was the recipient of some sensational customer service from Bolt bus today, who after arriving 40 minutes late for the pick up in Philly gave my honey a free round trip ticket after one complaining phone call from me. I feel really pleased as I recommend the Bolt constantly to people and am usually pleased with their service, I mean come on 10 bucks to NYC, doesn't even cover the tolls if you drive.

string cheese x 2

fruit leather

Roasted root vegetable soup

2 slices of bread

butter

3 glasses of red wine (best friend's birthday)

half a chocolate cupcake

small slice of pumpkin cake

sliver of flourless chocolate cake

2 fruit leathers

Boueff Bourguignon

Bread

Almond butter

Red wine

pear in red wine sauce

eeeeek

sorry no entries I got a scary letter in my post box

I used all my calories on chocolate

:(

one egg

mushrooms

cheese

sugar free candy

salmon

large salad

popcorn

stayed under calorie allowance... feel pretty good, although maybe sugar free candy was not the best lunch choice I forgot my standard fruit leather and string cheese lunch at home. I need to go to the market today, as I have run out of eggs and healthy food.

Eggs

cheese

ham

made into an omelette

then string cheese and fruit leather for lunch

Vietnamese stir fry as well as a large crispy noodle pancake

ice tea sweetened with what tasted like an entire can of condensed milk... went over my alotted calories by close to 400 I suspect. WILL HAVE TO GET ON MY ELLIPTICAL!!!!

If I had been caught in the mine in Chile they would have had to leave me down there as I would not have been able to fit in the capsual.

Okay whole wheat mini bagel

2 poached eggs

2/3 cup of 1 percent milk

1 string cheese

2 fruit leathers

3 ounces of calamari

butter

1 tsp mayonnaise

lime

large salad

2 glasses and counting of wine

MUST be less of an alchy tomorrow, but my great idol died yesterday and I had to drink to her greatness.

Inspired.

My fellow musketeers wrote very brave insightful blogs today, and I felt motivated to do the same sans the insightful and the brave part of course.

Even when looking through my most recent diet history and pretty much suspecting that the same is true throughout my life, the most successful I ever am is when I blog regularly. It doesn't take a 'rocket surgeon' to figure out that I am a big coward and when things are going horribly, like last week, I retreat into a cone of shuddering embarrassed, silence, so my aim for this week is to blog every single day , come hell or high water, I am going to be writing down what I ate even if it includes macaroons.

I can't eat healthily when my house is a mess, so I tried to correct that a bit today , I also need to file some music, and I need a new bed and new sofa, just in case anyone was interested. Why are bed adverts so irritating, that new Vera Wang one particularly, with the fake couple, bouncing around on it in white linens, they set my teeth on edge.

Brrrr

Damn it, the cold makes me hungry. I ate a vast amount of pumpkin bread yesterday and today, sugary, flowery, pumpkinny goodness.

website closed for business

...while I finish my new Jilly cooper. I have been reading her books since I was 13 years old, every year I read them all cover to cover again to keep me amused while I wait the interminable periods between her next wonderful offering... this one was 4 long years in the making. I am on page 350 300 blissful pages to go... will write when I am done

Day 3 and day 4...

Well day 4 hasn't really begun, I mean I have eaten breakast which was bacon and eggs. Day three was just fine, I had a VERY large steak for dinner, that I probably should have sawed in half, but it was too delicious. I plan on trying the zucchini soup recommended by blogitone and some salmon for dinner too tonight.

I did have a super dark moment in my car yesterday though, I was driving home in traffic, feeling defeated and that old nagging 'what do you have to look forward to if not large amounts of candy' was plaguing me . It stayed with me for a while then I got home and we had a lovely friend over for dinner, and I had a glass of wine, and my new Jilly Cooper was on my bed expecting to be cracked open, and the Good Wife premiered, and I have Glee waiting on my DVR, and my dog was very pleased to see me, and my honey was making roasted butternut soup and listening to music so loudly it made my ears bleed...... :)

Day 2...AGAIN....@#$%^!

Okkkkay, made it through day one. Almost, but not quite perfectly. I succumbed and had a glass of wine with my dinner, but I also had eggs, and salad, and ham and split pea soup and cheese ...and wait for it, wait for it...not a single drop of sugar! Yipppeee. 13 days to go.

The challenge ahead to is to make this week work, it is much easier to do this when I am less busy, anyway I am working all day until Wednesday then Thursday and Friday are back to being free, which is going to be fab-I get some grumpy when I work a 7 day week. I have great plans for my days off including a game called Settlers of Qatan, yes it is as nerdy as it sounds, but great fun and of course some Euchre too. I also need to start filing some music as my method of collecting it leaves much to be desired.

In other news, I am so glad to have TV back, none of the new shows are much to write home about although I thought Hawaii 5 O was kind fun, and I really like the new comedy with Will Arnett and Kerri Russell-I think it is called Running Wilde. Can I say that the sight of Betty White as the anthropology prof in the season opener of Community using tribal weapons to stun and control her loser students made me snort liquid out of my nose.

Day 1 ....AGAIN....@#%%^!

I have decided to go back onto Phase 1. I tried to do it yesterday but it did not work...wa wah. Actually maybe I made it not work. When I first started SB I did it at someone else's house, over my birthday, during a gig, usually those would all be huge obstacles, but quite frankly I was unbelievably motivated. Now I am sort of at a loss.

Ewww this blog is very hard to write, I keep speaking in cliches or being flippant and having to delete stuff and start again. My original idea behind my blog was to publicly shame myself into once and for all changing the way I felt about food-well sugar mainly. It worked very well I felt the weight(ha ha) of outside scrutiny as an extra motivational force, but that has faded for me too. I am trying to analyze what happened when this same feeling came over me before, and then do the opposite. I think that means being VERY honest about everything instead of retreating into the sugar haze I would like to hide in. I feel unmotivated and bored and at a loss. I am so frustrated with my career and frustration makes me hungry... and not care... and reckless food wise...

Oh good grief!

fell off the wagon then the wagon drove over me and reversed just to make sure, I was well and truly done

Haven't blogged for over a week with re: my food intake etc, for a few reasons

• I am utterly uninspired
• I am sick of watching everything I put into my mouth, and decided to consume cake, pasta and coke as a welcome change
• I am bored
• I am lazy
• I am busy

P.S what do I have to show for my efforts at self destruction. I feel depressed heavy and energy-less....mmmmmmmmmmm.

Oh dear.

Sort of back on track exercise wise, I mean at least I'm walking again, though not very extended distances yet, but I am having some issues being super strict with the food which is what it takes for me to be very successful with re: south beach. Yesterday was my first clean and sober day if you know what I mean, in a long time.

Organization is key for me: when I am busy I lose my appetite and then the second I am free it comes raging back. GRRR! If I plan my meals in advance I do much better.

Well today is a new day, and despite the fact that I awoke with horrible allergies, I'm also craving chocolate chip pancakes in the worst way. Double GRR! Oh no there was just a pizza advert on TV so now I am craving pizza as well.

Think I better just go back to bed and try and get out on the other side.

Getting back on track in all aspects..

Had my first walk in close to 11 weeks today with my big walking pardner and my poochy... it was fab and pretty easy as we only did about 85 minutes. The weather is stunning, perfectly cool and clear. Back on track with exercsise... horrible, horrible food weekend though, won't bore you with the details, suffice to say it was not perfect or even good enough.

On a side note, does anyone else find the body of that obnoxious coach from 'thintervention' truly horrifying. Eeeeeeeuw!!

Labour day (Yes, that IS how the word 'labour' is spelled)

' Been pretty good, left a bit of a party last night relatively unscathed, I ate a large burger sans most of the whole wheat bun and lots of grilled zucchini, I did drink a heavenly cocktail which was part splenda and part sugar in the raw, but hey...live a little, it is a holiday weekend and all. I was pretty proud of myself as I only ate fruit salad instead of ice cream, I mean ice cream is nothing more than a gateway drug for me. Tonight I plan on sharing Chocolat the movie of course with my sweetie. In two days time my big workout buddy arrives, I am girding myself for the assault to my hopelessly lazy muscles.

back from France

One of the reasons I began South Beach was that I got a gig singing Gilda on this amazing island in France called Belle ile en mer (beautiful island of the sea, directly translated) it is special to me for many reasons not least because I met my sweetheart there six years ago. With regard weight, weight removal and trying to be a normal person about food, I have quite a few interesting observations. I lost 20 pounds between my audition in January and the opening night of production in July, the weight loss was far faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar slower than my impatient self could take but here is the good news, it is coming off so friggin' slowly that it seems it is not coming back with any haste either, I know this because I went to the island with all kinds of good intentions which included six days on and one day off to eat whatever I wanted, that was a super reasonable idea I think and it lasted around 36 hours, luckily I was not anywhere near delusional enough to plan workouts, except the easy walk to the nearest boulangerie where you could get pane au chocolate so beautiful you 'wished you could rent a room with it' (I heard a really funny irish comedian say that and I had to quote it. as it is utterly true) it also only cost 85 cents, fresh out of the oven.... my mouth is watering...mmm, warm pane au chocolat, okay must get a grip, anyway I consumed a vast amount of those, I was also utterly in the thrall of the Brittany's coke, it is called Breizh cola, and the two os us were BFFs, I had one a day and we never got tired of one another, like all sodas in Europe it has real sugar and not high fructose corn syryp in it, along with the odd Grimbergen dark beer which was as delicious as I remembered good dark beers to be...I won't even talk about the pizza with shrimp, pesto, smoked salmon and lashings of melted cheese which I noshed with gusto at least once a week, okay so here, after the list of heavenly edibles is my observation, I put on 1 and a half pounds. I couldn't believe it, when I got home I changed the battery of my scale as I just can't fathom that is possible, compared to the 2 weeks before I left where very little even passed my lips and I was walking up to three hours a day in the blazing heat and I never lost a single pound!!!!!! So yes, intensely frustrating, but a huge relief when I got home. I am trying to be grateful, instead of deeply resentful, that a summer filled with amazingly decadent French cuisine did not sky rocket my weight as I believe it would have before I had tried to correct my sluggish metabolism. Perhaps I am becoming normal?? and I do not need to obsess about every morsel, perhaps it is true that american food is of such poor quality that we cannot help but add poundage when we consume it, perhaps it was just the heavens giving me a bit of a break... I dunno... but suffice to say I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, and the second I got home I jumped back into phase one, I had some hunger issues and craved alcohol at first which is in fact a sugar craving cleverly disguised, but other than that I was fine, and I am back on the straight and narrow, although last night I had a mouthful of my honey's creme brulee... luckily it wasn't very good so I could resist pretty easily, dreaming of France and their amazing love affair with pleasure instead.

stuck.

Haven't moved down, but not moving up either. Not too bovvered , as I have been somewhat lacks, and not working out and I am just so unmotivated. I am like a C student, doing just enough to get by- I probably need to start monitoring calorie intake now too, which is what has me in the stand off-it makes life so boring and dull. Anyway I recommitted on Saturday as Gilda and he third act as boy and France draw near. 6 weeks away in fact.

I went to a lovely party yesterday and managed to resist this gorgeous looking blue berry pie with lovely melted ice cream. Pretty proud of myself for that, although I would be lying if I said it super difficult, it wasn't really, not anymore.. but the frosty looking beers were another story.

I also made a super scrumptious salad which is great in the summer, and easy to transport.

I marinated asparagus in olive oil and salt, and then grilled on a high heat for a few minutes so that the outside was softer but the inside was still nice and crsip, probably 4 minutes in all. Boiled some shelled edamame, added it to the asparagus, along with more salt and pepper and 20 or so fresh mint leaves, along with a squeeze of lime and one lime's zest and then placed it in the fridge to chill and finally topped it off with slices of Parmigiano Reggiano. It was scrumptious.

Hit the magic 90 day mark

Okay sooooooooooooo, here I am 90 days in. the good, the bad and the ugly.

The Good

• No sugar cravings per se anymore
• Lost 16 pounds
• I have relatively good amounts of energy
• I feel pretty normal about food... well, ish
• My appetite is somewhat suppressed

The bad

• Only lost 16 pounds in 3 month, I feel like this is unbelievably hard work and that I should have lost 60-70 by now for all the effort. These have been the longest three months of my life!
• Weight loss is sllllllow. Yes, yes I know I didn't put it on over-night, but honestly I put it on faaaaaaaaaaaaar quicker than I am taking it off. lesson learned universe , now can we speed it along a little?
• I miss alcohol which is not to say I do not drink it anymore but certainly not in the copious quantities I would prefer to, and I REALLY miss beer, like REALLY miss it when I see people drinking it all icy and refreshing in the summer I almost want to cry

The Ugly

• 16 pounds?? Really?? only 16, I feel like I could eat that much butter in a single sitting.
• I am sooooooooooooooooooooo bored, there is only so much protein and greens you can eat without wanting to jump of a bridge.
• Am I really going to have to do this for the rest of my life??

Today was a good day.

After a year long wait, Fairmount Park came and planted three utterly gorgeous street trees on our sidewalk-they are just beautiful.... and I totally overcame a craving right in the middle of the store while I was hungry and bored...I substituted a very large steak for it instead. Can go to bed guilt-free. Yep, a good day.

Creatures of habit

I am really a creature of habit. As much as I like new foods, I eat the same things at restaurants time after time. As much as I like to see new places, I especially love coming home. I can watch the same movies over and over.

If I could, I probably would have stayed in South Africa and sung roles as a fest artist at the old opera house for the rest of my life , but that wasn't how things turned out, and luckily I got to make the US my home which I am immensely grateful for. Well I am in lovely safe place and routine now, wake up, work out, my honey makes breakfast, try to fit in lunch, go to work, have dinner then maybe a movie if we can. I am just so content to do that, ...now... rumble rumble he is going away for a few days. This makes me anxious, for many reasons, least of all, he is breaking our great little routine, and now I feel I will be at home left to my own devices. This morning I awoke feeling very bingey, so I am making a pre-emptive strike, blogging, going to have a very large legal breakkie, then make sure I work out, and also that I have dinner early. I am hoping all of this keeps the binges at bay, I am also inspired as I woke up a little lighter too...just a smidge but every smidge counts in the road to my Ipad.

Successful baking

Not been blogging for a few days, but still been trying to eat well. I have been pretty successful, I do not have a massive sense of urgency in all honesty, possibly because I have finally recognized that I will be doing this for the rest of my life 'ie there really is no light , read ice cream, candy, coke or cookies at the end of this particular tunnel. Losing weight this slowly is actually pretty frustrating(or has been a source of great angst to me in the past) until I think of the process which really hasn't been that bad. I haven't felt that deprived (with the exception of the first two weeks) and this weekend I made a sugarless plum tart which was a hit, even the boys liked it. I read that the great thing about losing so slowly is that you don't put it all on again quickly so that is very good news. I am down 16 pounds, only a measly 14 to go to glory and and my ipad ;) jk, I suppose I would have to lose 100 pounds for glory, luckily I don't seek that, just employment and a little ease with myself.

I am a mere 7 days away from the hallowed 90 day mark which makes habit changes official. Never done that before in my life actually.

Nature of my cravings have changed.

Last night I had a margarita...bit of a mistake, the reason being it is made with triple sec which has sugar in it... anyway had cravings all day, which I deserve...well maybe not cravings at first... at first I was just plain hungry ( know how that feels now)... what I should have done was eat a large meal of protein and veggies and a sufficient amount of fat, but I made mistake number one and had a small breakfast, I had a small lunch too, by the afternoon I was very twitchy and having sort of pangs... but the interesting thing, is before I would have craved tons of sweet things, today I just wanted some extra food, salty things in fact, which I ended up having, extra nuts and ww pita chips ... probably a little too much but eventually the cravings passed and I felt satiated. Tomorrow is a new day, so I am not freaking out, I can also say that if I work out, I seem to suffer fewer cravings which is just plain depressing as it is yet another reason for exercising...yeuchy.

I think I am starting to be a normal person....I mean, I'm not there yet, but getting closer. I can't wait. I think it is gonna feel really cool.

15.5 on 5/5!!

Yipppee, 15.5 pounds which means I am over the hump in my mini quest to lose 30 pounds, so that I can purchase a guilt free Ipad-my own computer keeps over-heating and shutting down, despite the fact that it is on a cooling pad constantly- I would love to get there before I go to France in the summer but I suspect that might be an impossible task unless I ramp up my workouts to far longer and far more intense sessions...shudder... would rather go the slow route than do that.

I think I might have a Margarita with salt to celebrate... yes somewhat counter productive, but it is my favourite drink, and it is Cinco de Mayo and one of the most incredible days I have ever seen in Philly, plus I have finished my work out, always the worst part of my day, and I am off to the opera this afternoon, with not even a soul to teach tonight...rock on!

Tribute.

Thinking about the nature of loss this morning. I once had a WW teacher who said 'never say you want to lose weight, as if you lose something your instinct is to try to find it again' I laughed at the time, I am a chronic loser of things, and on top of that I never seem to find them again with the exception of pounds, I find them with 10 extra every time! Weight 'removal' is a weird, self obsessed, egotistical process, it takes ALL of my time and energy to do it, in fact I have very little time for other things, I find myself not wanting to go out and to be social usually, but this time I made a public announcement about it so that I didn't have to explain myself every time I was at a social gathering and had to refuse something. The funny thing was that facing one of my biggest fears- ie public humiliation- has changed a lot of things, you realize how many people in life struggle with this issue when you are willing to talk about it, you also realize that if you ask for help, you often get it. In this long grind, my honey has been a champion, I don't want to rely on him too much as what if just decided he had enough of watching every bite we put into or mouths, or he reaches his goal weight and wants to stop ,he is just a few pounds away in fact. I will still have to carry on forever, being a true addict and all.

I wanted to write today though about the sweetest thing he did the other night, when I got home from work, he had a tray set out with baked and salted sugar snap peas you can get from trader joe's, and a martini shaker and glass. Into the martini shaker went lemon juice and crushed ice which he shook up and poured in the glass along with a lemon twist which he topped off with sparkling water, it looked soooo nice and tasted pretty delicious, and made me feel like I had a cocktail, he also downloaded a chick flick and we watched it together, also previously unheard of for us (most of our collective movie rep included hobbits and light sabers)....yep, it was pretty perfect, but I also want to say things were not always this way, we used to fight a lot about food and the way to eat it and prepare it and who was in charge of it and where we should purchase it and how much of it we should consume-you name it, if it is food related we have argued about it, but this time has also been different, I don't know what exactly changed things, was it my public announcement, certainly South Beach is boy friendly, did he finally sense my true desperation but I don't know. I have also been very honest and very open about everything, even when I was frustrated I didn't stop talking and trying to verbalize what was going on (which is what I would have done before) and things just clicked for him and for us food-wise for the first time ever. Yes, I had a setback this week, yes it felt pretty major and like a giant failure, but once again what changed was that I actually got back on the wagon 24 hours later and have managed to stay on it since. As they say in smoking ads, never quit trying to quit! Having a true partner in what feels like the challenge of my life (which shows what a great life I've had if this is the worst part of it, I suppose) is nothing short of amazing. 'A burden shared is a burden halved'

So to my sweetie, who never protested being on my blog, or the fact that I have said some pretty harsh words about him on it before, thanks for the help, honey!

mini vacation

My sweetie has been off for 48 whole hours, a miracle in our world. I really love it because he always makes breakfast for me, we have been together for 6 years now, and he still does it. Breakfast is the best weapon in the South Beach arsenal, if I get it right , I get the rest of the day right far more easily, so it is great to have a fellow warrior with me every morning to fight that battle. I am a reformed breakfast eater, as I child loathed it, but I have come to love it and look forward to it with anticipation. the day I fell off the wagon, I did not have a proper breakfast as my honey has gone to work early.

anyway back to our few days together, last night we watched a movie at 9 o clock (usually he is still working at that time), Sherlock Holmes in fact and we loved it. Tonight he banished me upstairs whilst making a suprise for me, I have no idea what it is, but it will be unveiled at 9pm sharp.

I am still depressed about Arizona, I have decided to suggest my own litmus test, ask people how they feel about Samuel Barber, if they love him, they are Americans , if they don't they are not...that simple! He is a national treasure, I heard his first symphony the other night conducted by someone I would sell my first born to work with, and once again I was reminded what gorgeous music he writes, then the orchestra played some Ligeti which made me mad, as it robbed me of 11 minutes of my life I can never EVER replace.

ooooooooooooh gotta go, it is 9pm.................

fell off the wagon yesterday..

and landed with a resounding thud on my arse. Thought about what I would have done before, which was keep it to myself , let it fester and mould and probably carry on doing it every day thereafter, all the time thinking I would get a handle on it which I wouldn't, of course and I would spiral downward, again. NOT THIS TIME, so I confess, I ate sugar yesterday, and lots of it (it did not make me feel very good, physically or emotionally), not totally sure why I did it either, but I will 'not quit trying to quit'... today is a new day.

I worked out, ate a good breakfast, have my lunch and dinner planned. When I told my honey, this morning, we both decided I need some sort of back up plan for days like yesterday, his suggestion was 'drink water' and 'work out', good suggestions but I know now they will not work for me that simply feels like extra punishment, I need to have a fun option, that takes my mind off of things and the grind of trying to change a lifetime of mixed and bad messages about food, ...still thinking about what that plan might be though.

In other news, I am trying to tidy my bedroom and I tried on my favourite skirt, it is white with small red roses on it, I bought it at this great shop in CT called Frock, and my only regret is that I did not buy the cornflower blue one as well- they were heinously expensive- but this skirt can be bundled in a ball and still look great, it has been everywhere with me France, New York Jo'burg (yeuch!!), and always gets extravagant compliments. When I gave away most of my thin clothes, I could not bring myself to throw it away too, despite the fact that I couldn't get it over my thighs, well this morning I did, and closed too, it is still indecently tight, but I reckon I am 10 pounds away from doing it justice....so today begins operation gorgeous red skirt before my sister and my stunning niece arrive.

@##$!!

Inexplicably I am UP 2 pounds....well I guess not that inexplicably, been skipping a few meals and maybe including more carbs than I should(think I might be a one serving a day and NOT a 2 serving a day person), and I had too much alcohol last week.

I am so frustrated I am having a tantrum throwing my hands in the air and drinking a coke right at this very moment... was not gonna blog about it and then I thought well that was the whole point of this... I was going to be totally honest and broadcast the process warts and cokes and slip ups and setbacks and all...I feel like printing a very long, very robust, swear word, but sometimes my mom reads this, so I am just going to print this instead @#$%^&*^%$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$%^&*((((*&^%$####@#@##@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Depressed.

I feel so horrified by Arizona today. It seems like South Africa in the 80s.

I am an immigrant, a legal one in fact, through huge amounts of toil, a massive random act of kindness bestowed upon me , 10 years of wishes, over 10 000 dollars for lawyers and visa fees , desperation, sacrifice and prayer. I know I am one lucky girl to have that, I also know that most immigrants do NOT have access to the resources and love that allowed me to become a permanent resident of my adopted country. I also know I could 'look' like an illegal/undocumented alien (such a disgusting term btw) , I have olive skin, many people mistake me for an hispanic person (and let's face it, they are the people this law is aimed at, they are the people that the far right of our land has decided to target, to pour their unfounded, illogical hatred into destroying, they have managed to legislate fear, in the same way South Africans legislated racism with the introduction of apartheid. They are making hatred and ignorance legal.

The fact is I would be under threat in Arizona as would many of my friends... my AMERICAN friends! Everyone in Arizona is required to have proof of papers now, it sounds alarmingly like the pass laws in SA!! I have a green card and the law states I should NOT carry it on my person unless traveling out of the country, I guess I will have to think of Arizona as a foreign country now.

Shame on you guys, shame on the legislators who said nothing for fear of political reprisal , you KNOW it is wrong, you know it is heinous and revolting, yet you are cowards and won't stand up for what is morally right, it is that simple. Do better!

Return to Phase 1

Just gonna do a bit of phase 1 for a while, as I have been enjoying myself a little too much, still losing weight strangely (downs 14) but I want to monitor this much better for a while so that I don't fall into my old habits after all this hard work-I am still 4 weeks short of the magical 90 days, where healthy eating will officially be my 'habit' and I will no longer be white knuckling.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/18/magazine/18exercise-t.html?pagewanted=2&ref=general&src=me


A friend sent me this really interesting article especially for someone like me who truly loathes exercise , it was one of the reasons I stopped dieting years ago, I just couldn't face running a single extra mile, this time I have only made myself do 30 minutes a day 6 days a week, hopefully that will be all that is required FOREVER! I have sort of made up some of my own rules, one is that I will only drink alcohol at the weekends even though the reccomendations say you can have 8 ounces of wine a day if you want to, I have decided to do 2 evenings in total week...wha wha, I used one of those up last night but it was huge fun, so this weekend in penance I will be a tee totaller to make up for it.
I also managed to finish my first 6 day work out week, and had yesterday off which was utterly blissful(much prefer the day I don't have to work out to the 6 I do), starting again this morning sucked arse though, but that could have more to do with the cocktails last night than the elliptical.

NAKED!

Okay sooo....for the first time since my public shaming began , someone gave me food as a gift (needless to say I KNOW he is not reading my blog or status updates on facebook)...gorgeous, incredible, beautiful chocolates from this store called Naked in Philly....yes, they don't even TRY to be subtle about their alliances, chocolate and sex, both of them sell, that is for sure-now far be it from me to look a gift chocolate in the mouth BUT, I am not at the stage where I can resist them yet, although I am 40% closer, I am simply not there yet.... I had three, dark ones, even though the milk ones were singing to me, calling my name, banging on the box to get out and into my mouth...they were incredible, there are still some left, I will make my honey eat them tonight, and try not to think about them today. My next step might be taking out a full page advert in Opera Now, or sky writing it, not sure. I also realise that people REALLY associate me with food, which is an entirely deserved slight I believe, as I speak about it, and cook it and grow it, and love it, BUT I am trying to change this, so for future reference, if anyone is ever at a loss again about gifts to give me...here it is: Home Depot gift cards, Target gift cards, seeds of any sort, book vouchers, magazine vouchers, flowers , always always flowers, earrings, I am addicted to them, any and all of those make me happy, and do not inspire guilt frenzies or cravings the following day.

New York Strip...yummers.

Yesterday I was grumpy and I had multi grain pita chips , a few would have been perfectly alright but I ate half a bag for my lunch with no veggies or salad and then felt totally sick for the rest of the day, so strangely that helped me get back on track, this morning I awoke dropped off our taxes and then I had a large frittata with spinach and mushrooms for breakfast and managed to resist the biscuits at the Morning Glory cafe, one of our favourite spots in Philly. Tonight I plan on a huge salad and a large new york strip steak, AND possibly a glass of wine, the weather is lovely so we can do it outside, I will get reacquainted with an old friend of mine from my Met days whih will probbaly feel good and bad I suppose.

I worked out at 7 thirty this am so I don't feel guilty at all about my menu.
Oooh I also plan to plant some basil and impatiens seedlings and water my garden...all in all, a great day.

Bored

Ugh my food is boring me at the moment...I am so bored I have not appetite...no more salad, or meat. Yuch yuch yuch.

Vulnerable.

Being on a constant food vigil has made me feel so vulnerable, without sugar to dull my senses and emotions, I feel like I am wearing my heart on my sleeve all the time. Good for artists not so good for life in general...or maybe I am wrong. I have never been easy on the phone and prefer to nurture my friendships by email, but I chose a different path consciously today with lovely results, and I hope I made my special friends know how dear they are to me, how much they mean to me... the bottom line is, as much as I love the email medium somehow it never manages to convey that, the depth of my love, and admiration....phone calls and lunches do it much better. I MUST remember that.

Had a lovely party at the weekend, but tonight I am just plain knackered, my 6 day plan turned into a three day plan as I hurt my foot, and then had a house guest move into my gym for a few nights....soooo tomorrow, foot healed, gym reclaimed, my 6 day quest begins anew.

LUCKY 13!

Down 13 pounds today. Oooh it feels so good.
Adjusting your WOE is like saving money 'the first 10 000 is the hardest' my grandad always said. My mom is also a compulsive saver and she said she only started it late in her life but she is almost addicted to it now and of course 'compound interest, Ang-compound interest', which works like a charm in SA as their interest rates are so high. Well the first 10 pounds were the hardest, but now I know I can do it, and I am committed to it for the long hall (and for today ;).... when I am brutally honest with myself I admit this will take me around 18 months if I am strict and 2 years if I am not....then I will graduate to phase 3 and have to live on that for the rest of my life.

I am in the mood for a bit of a party I have decided, and my sweetheart has some colleagues/friends staying over in preperation for the debut of the Cambini Quintet in Philly on Sunday afternoon, so I thought what a nice excuse for a good time on Sunday night! Maybe some marinated, grilled chicken, and a grilled flank steak, and this grilled veggie salad I saw someone make on TV, dark chocolate for dessert. A South Beach friendly party, good for the waistline and good the soul.

Exceedingly unmotivated this morning.

Need to get on my elliptical. Would like to stay in bed. Am hungry and would prefer ice cream for breakfast.

Day 2 down.

It is sweltering here in Philly today, above 90 in fact, but I got up really early so that I could do my workout in the cool, and I was done by 8 am. It was much better than yesterday's. hopefully tomorrow's will be even better.
I plan on steak and salad for dinner, but I am working from 3 until 9, so no time for dinner, and I will have to wait until around 9 thirty, which can sometimes not be the best thing for me, but at least I am prepared and it is suitably warm to keep my appetite somewhat supressed.

working out

I was supposed to do a 7 day work out plan starting on Sunday, needless to say that did not happen, so I started today instead. It was as horrible as to be expected, but I do it watching SATC, to help keep my mind off how much I hate it, and I really liked one of the dresses and decided I would copy it for a future concert (hey, if you build it he will come and all) it was white and it had beads and sequins...

Responsibility.

Danger ahead! This is the most successful I have ever been on an eating plan and I attribute that in no small part to my sweetheart getting on board wholeheartedly, he has supported me so well, and I felt like he was my biggest champion. For a long while he bought nothing 'bad' into our home (chips,cookies, chocolate etc), and whilst he never really did an intensive phase 1 like me, he pretty much ate the same stuff as I did in the evening, additionally he still consumed toast, jam, Cheerios, but luckily none of these were trigger foods for me , he never stopped drinking entirely but he certainly cut back and he lost 10 pounds too and he looks really great as he didn't actually have that much to lose, however for the last few weeks he has been sneaking things back into the house all with the defensive posture of 'these things aren't for you' which is code for 'have a little will-power, weakling!'...I find this so disheartening, and really scary as I am not at the stage where I can just RESIST everything if I was I would surround myself with this stuff, I wouldn't have bannned sugar entirely from my life, I would practise the eternal 'moderation is key' refrain most people spout at me, I would weigh 100 pounds for @##@#$' sake! After I have had dinner or lunch there isn't usually much worry as I feel full, but in vulnerable moments like when I am tired, lonely, hungry, angry or bored having those things in my house is just a train smash for me, a huge liability. Needless to say my paranoia calls this sabotage, but I suppose some might also say I am unfair to expect someone else to change their way of life for my own benefit and because of my own weaknesses and failings.

Easter

Is there a worse holiday for dieters?

I am particularly partial to Peeps, for those not in the know marshmallows surrounded by sugar, it is sugar water and colouring, and a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiittle piece of heaven, I adore them stale as well. I miss those eggs you get in SA as well, they look like real eggs and they are have a chocolate layer inside the layer of white candy on the outsde and they come in an actual egg punnet ...ooooh, and speckled eggs from woolies...south africa has the best Easter eggs, except for the Peeps of course.

Okay now I am going to cast it from my mind, go to church , give thanks, and look forward to next Easter when I will partake.

New Week

Last week was one of my least faves so far...monster cravings etc... but the good news is this is a new week. It is going to be better, I am sure of it. I am also taking a public vow to work out every day this week, no matter what!

Springtime

I am so glad the sun is shining, my tarragon and mint and chives have all come up, I planted parsley, basil and coriander seeds , so I will see if they take, I really need extra helpings of herbs to make my food nice and flavourful. I am still really suffering with cravings, pretty much since last week Saturday, so I am trying to think what I have done differently that could have caused them to return. I think I have decided to up my portions, maybe I am just not eating enough?? I dunno, maybe I just really want 6 super buttery hot cross buns.

Phew!

Okay scale back down. Total weight loss is 11.5 pounds. Part of this is not getting hysterical, on Monday when I plummeted off the wagon, I was a little despairing, but I calmed down and started Phase 1 on Tuesday again, Tuesday was haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard, Wednesday a little easier, although I did have a glass of champagne at the AVA gala. I have never been able to turn down free champagne, I just can't do it! The gala was stunning. Singer of the evening for me was James Valenti, not only is his voice to die for, but he makes cheapish music sound like Mozart, he is insanely, intensely, stunningly musical, one of my all time favourite things in any singer and my love affair with Eglise Guiterezz'es voice continues, it is so warm and dark in the middle and so sparkly and flexible, and her breath control is a marvel.

Anyway back to food etc, I was lucky enough to have a friend send me this article, and then while reading blogs I found this interesting response ..posted below. I really like knowing information about this battle, as I feel better prepared and better armed, and validated of course, but even now that I am gathering facts it is STILL a war that has to be waged by me AND won, knowing everything there is to know doesn't take that away. I once told a therapist that I felt like I was addicted to sugar and he completely poo pooed the idea and said it was not even a scientific possibility-I believed him...I wish I could get my money back.

Anyway, here they are

http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/2010/03/29/2010-03-29_fatty_foods_may_be_just_as_addictive_as_heroin_and_cocaine_study.html

http://www.salon.com/life/obesity/index.html?story=/food/francis_lam/2010/03/31/food_addiction

oh deary me

Went to a nice party last night...fell of the wagon...right onto my arse in fact. Phase 1 for the rest of the week in penance.

Return of the monster cravings!

It is 6 32 I am in my hotel room, and I have been having my first monster bout of cravings in a great while. they started last night at about 6pm and they are still here this morning :(
Last night I was sort of climbing the walls. I am trying to figure out why, these are my suppositions...

• On Friday I ate 3 servings of fruit, 2 of which I had not done the recommended slow introduction of. Bananas (which I shall not miss at all) and oranges. I am going to cut them out again, although I had forgotten how blissful oranges were. I know I can take apples and grapes, so I will return to phase 1 for 2 days when I get home, and then re-introduce oranges and hope they were not the culprits. I also ate white rice with my sushi and that is a south beach no-no, so it might just have been that, perhaps my GI was spiked.
  
• Saturday I needed to order take out as I do not live close to a grocery store and I have no car while I am here, the only available options were pizza and chinese food, so I tried the less of 2 evils (I thought) and ordered shrimp and veggies, however they were cooked with some sauce, which I ate, and perhaps it triggered the cravings.
• I am not on a regular food schedule, I have been careful to be ultra organized through this, and that has paid dividends (when I know I am working over lunchtime I ALWAYS pack a salad and string cheese which is kind of an unsung star of south beach astonishingly, it works like a charm for me actually, and I should have thrown a bag in my suitcase before leaving) Lack of organization leaves me vulnerable to cravings! One of the cornerstones to South Beach is a pretty constant eating schedule. It is actually something I can find exceedingly unpleasant about this, as I feel like I am constantly feeding myself, but it actually works very well at keeping hunger at bay, and I will return to it ASAP.
  
• I have one more day in the hotel, and then tomorrow I leave early for a horribly disjointed flight back to Philly via Detroit... yeuch, connecting flights in the US are such an extraordinary gamble and in my experience I do not make the second leg around 50% of the time. Once I get to the airport I have a game plan though, the cob salad from Au Bon Pan is usually pretty high quality food, and nice and filling...so just 24 hours of white knuckling or perhaps I will be over this by tomorrow.
  
• The singer I am covering feels much better today, and so she will be going on, and I wonder if just that huge release of tension made me want to 'reward' myself with food as I would have before. They say it takes 3 months to create a habit, I have only done my time for just over 30 days now, so 60 to go before hopefully I don't have to worry about strong cravings anymore. plus I will have learned my lesson about traveling... always pack string cheese!
  

Okay it is very early but I decided to blog instead of eat the ice cream, which is calling my name, my first ice cream craving in weeks in fact, the coke craving is somewhat ever present but has become very strong again. I wish junk food were banned from hotels...lol, yes I am becoming the grinch who stole junk food.

sigh of relief.

WOW!!!! I have had a really interesting few days. On Wednesday a good friend of mine had a birthday, in fact he is one of the inspirations for my south beaching. He bought a beef tenderloin to share with us and we all cooked it up together on the grill, along with vast amounts of veggies and salad...luckily I did not touch any wine and I say this for a very important reason, I awoke on Thursday to a frantic email from my manager saying the Lyric opera of Kansas City needed a Gilda to cover and possibly go on, on Friday night for their indisposed singer. I thought to myself 'hey, if I can quit sugar for a month, I can do ANYTHING'...yes, you are right that is a ridiculous line of reasoning, something I worked out a few hours later when I was about to make my debut to a packed house in Kansas City with 2 and a half hours of staging rehearsal and very little sleep under my belt...anyway to get back to what i was saying, usually birthday parties are celebrated with wine, especially when you think you have nothing to do the next day, and usually you wake up with a bit of a hangover the following day, luckily I didn't, as I had to relearn Gilda in a few short hours. The last time I had sung it, was over 5 years ago in SA, and SURPRISINGLY little came back to me. I knew the Caro Nome and most of the quartet still, but I had another 6 pieces to learn, anyway I started trying to cram it back in, and by 9 that night I was flying to KC. Upon I arrival I listened to the opera again, and slept really fitfully for around 2 hours. Most opera singers I know I have one specific anxiety dream. It entails us being forced onto a stage in a role we don't know...I was actually living a slightly scaled down version of that dream. I had a fitting on Friday morning at 8 thirty, then a coaching at 10, and finally a staging at 1. I managed to get back to the hotel before the show, BUT I was pretty scared of what to eat, I had not been able to plan or get groceries to cook myself a meal , so I resorted to sushi, the white rice was unideal, but they did not offer brown. I also ate a great deal more fruit than I should have (as the opera company had very thoughtfully left me a welcome package filled with fruit, cheese and crackers) I am still supposed to be on one serving of fruit a day but I ate a banana (hate them, but they are a great source of postassium which acts as a beta blocker when you are really nervous) 2 apples and an orange, I had absolutely no appetite, but I simply could not slake my thirst, no matter how much water I drank, and I was trying to get some hydration with food as well, especially as I was about to sing a very long role that night and needed as much vocal lubrication as possible. A friend told me the south beach is very drying, and they are totally right especially if you are not vigilant...anyway I ate some lamb chops for dinner, but had no veggies at all, all day long. GRRR!!!!
The good news is doing this WOE (way of eating) has actually allowed me not just to be healthier, BUT to be ready for a great opportunity. Before, I would have had to turn it down, as I cannot drink and sing the day afterward. Did I look perfect in the costumes..no...am I at my ideal weight...absolutely not.. do I wish I had another five months to get in fighting shape for being on stage...ABSOLUTELY! BUT I had lots of running moves and I needed to move up and down stairs quite a bit, and I never lost any air doing it which I attribute to working out again. Working out, as much as I hate it, is vital when I am preparing for a large role. This is the same role that inspired me to go on a diet, as I am singing it in France in July, and I was hoping to look somewhat convincing when I had to appear in the third act disguised as a boy. Last night I still looked like a very large breasted girl...but I live in hope! This blog ended up being more about singing than eating and food control, but for me they are inextricably linked as without control of one I am not in contention for the other which is in fact, the great love of my life.

Good and bad...part 2

Good

• Our liquor bill has plummeted ;)

• We are starting to feel a bit more energized

• Both of us are still losing weight

• Cravings are somewhat minimal if you are sure to eat 3 times a day, and include the prescribed snacks. I imagine for people who were less addicted to sugar than me this is just breezy. Luckily bread has never been a vice for me. Probably the only vice I lack in fact.

• Being able to add the odd complex carb on phase 2 opens a lot of possibilities, last night we had spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. Whole wheat pasta (cook for way longer than white pasta and it tastes much better) and sugarless marinara (which actually tastes amazing), but the meal was really delicious.

• My taste buds are super sensitive, and when I drank some white wine at the weekend, I could taste a great deal more than usual and I enjoyed every sip

Bad

• A diet of meat and veggies can get boring if you are not creative

• It is time consuming, and requires a lot of planning, especially with more than one boy in the house (ie when we have house guests) - as a rule boys are not filled or satisfied by salads. On the flip side it is very easy to entertain as in general people are happy with protein and veggies as long as you dress it up, and having very little limit on fat in the form of olive oil allows food to taste pretty great.
  

• This is not vegetarian friendly in any way
• I am still wrestling with the knowledge that I will do this for the rest of my life, my brain understands that sugar means death to me, but my heart is not ecstatic about that fact
• Thank heavens our liquor bill is down, as our grocery bill is far higher, eating healthfully is a very expensive endeavor, granted the health care bills for obesity and its related illnesses are very large, but for the here and now, our grocery bill is a source of relative panic.
  

...is it possible I am beginning to understand food...?

I will not pretend I crashed through 10 pounds or anything but I did lose another half a pound, which makes me pretty darn happy and brings my total to 10 and a half hard earned pounds. YAY ME!!! I have been working out but far more sporadically than I should, in fact I should be working out now, and not writing this blog, but I had lots to say today...and hopefully this will shame me into getting my arse into gear on my eliptical.

Food means luxury and happiness to me, it symbolizes love, admiration and generosity, especially when I get to share it with people I am close to...these are things that my family showed me, the good and the bad. Thus I decided my main mission through all of this is not to feel deprived...EVER as when i feel deprived I feel hopeless and unloved ...yes SERIOUSLY! Needless to say in trying to avoid feelings of deprivation I did not completely succeed, especially in the first two weeks , but that has really changed these last 14 days. I have also noticed that things I find amazing, gorgeous and decadent are staaaaarrrrting to change. I made grilled chicken, twice this weekend as the weather was to die for, I brined the chicken, and then marinated it in olive oil, garlic, rosemary and lemon, the first time I charred it too much, but the second time came up beautifully, then for dessert I grilled nectarines and served them up with mascarpone...silky and delicious. My honey and I felt sated and blessed afterward, both of us reflected how having 'dessert' made us feel like we were breaking the 'rules'...in the 'old' days a bad day for us might have included numerous bars of chocolate and vast amounts of candy too (mostly me, he would have consumed an entire block of cheese), now it is nectarines and mascarpone.

I also think it is interesting how this has turned ALL my theories about food and weight on their ear...being a huge know-it-all this is really hard for me, and also pretty darn nice that my own hopelessness is being proven wrong. I still cannot believe that I can lose weight, eating vast amounts of proteins and veggies, at least a serving of mayo every day, and a great deal of olive oil (counting points on WW made me almost pathological about fats), which btw has REALLY improved my skin...those Italians seem to be on to something.

This might just come from a possible false high I am feeling..it could be the spring fever...tomorrow I will probably be back to my snarky, flippant self, but for today, all is right with the world, and the laws of nutrition are starting to make sense to me. GOD,I HOPE IT LASTS!

Triggers galore today

I forced myself to work out this morning, despite the fact I did not want to get out of bed, the workout was dodgy to say the least, but I lumbered through it. I had breakfast , and then got ready for work, I packed my lunch as I wasn't hungry so I ended up eating at 4, then I gave a three hour masterclass which meant I had no time for the prescribed snack , at the end of it, I was very tired AND I really felt like I 'deserved' a treat or 12 to 'reward' myself for a job well done (HUGE TRIGGER!!), it wasn't so much that I was hungry, just exhausted and a little depressed. I got home, made some shrimp and green beans, and I feel satisfied. I read today that being fat can actually double your risk of Alzheimers...I mean REALLY!!!?? That is just staggering...don't get me wrong I am not doing this for the bullshit 'health' thing, I am totally doing it for vanity and employment opportunities...but jeez louise...DOUBLE the risk!!!!!!
Tomorrow I plan on making a grilled chicken again, I made on Friday and it tasted okay but I believe it could be great, so I will keep practicing.
Watching this guy on TV now called Daniel Amen, who is speaking about the connection between the brain type and overeating, a bit televangelistic, but interesting nonetheless...he also believes sugar is death, and that the whole 'everything in moderation' is kind of bullshit..his quote 'even small amounts of cocaine and arsenic' are bad for you!

10 pounds today!

Made it to 10 pounds...soooo excited...40 more to go.

Epic fail.

It was a friend of mines 30th birthday party tonight. I had my dinner and decided that I would have an 'allowed' glass of red wine at the party, SB allows 4 to 8 ounces of red wine a day in phase 2 but I had made a personal decision not to do this as I felt like it was too tempting to polish off a whole bottle rather than the allotted amount, especially when I am with people I like and am having fun, and whenever I drink I feel like there is nothing wrong with me, which does not inspire the self-loathing necessary to stick to a successful diet in my opinion.....annnyyyway, said thirty year old friend makes ridiculously good dirty martinis, and I simply did not want to resist, so I had one, and boy did I enjoy the sly, slithery way it seeped into my body, legs first of course, and then without thinking I had another which caused me not to be able to feel my feet or teeth............ Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!
Tomorrow is another day, back on the straight and super narrow.

GRR!!!

Weight didn't move this week...haaaaaaaaaate that, I mean really hate it, the fact that I am already having trouble in only week three (entirely sans cheating so far) is extremely discouraging. I introduced apples, grapes, yams and mini whole wheat bagles, so I am guessing I need to 'unintroduce' those things again and see if my weight loss picks up again. The good news is I have had so many stunning conversations with friends on Saturday I played Scrabble all evening with my two best buddies in Philly, they have actually done the South Beach extremely successfully and were part of my inspiration to try it, we spoke about the challenges (breakfasts on phase 1 if you like cereal-luckily not a personal vice for me) and the triumphs, they have managed to keep their weight off for ages now. I also spoke to another colleague and friend who is extremely eloquent and verbal and who battles the exact same demons, in a side note she was saying that her thinner family feel morally superior to her, and I was thinking 'yup I have definitely experienced that in my life', NEVER ever from my family , but from people who feel the need to dispense caloric philosophies to me to 'help' me see the error of my ways...the kicker is most overweight people I know , know everything there is to know about calories: they just don't know how to control consuming too many of them at given times.

I managed to do a few nice things while my honey was away this week, and stave off the dreaded boredom-eating trap. I saw the Pennsylvania Ballet and they were just breathtaking...utterly transcendent, but even at my dreamiest, most determined, I never want that kind of body, they look great flying through the air and all, but they simply don't measure up to what I personally consider beautiful, which is not to say that many other people on earth don't believe ballet dancers and their pre-pubescent forms are the most fantastic, sexy things out there, but I do not agree, not in a world where Christina Hendricks exists, she is so ravishing she makes my eyes hurt.

Coffee

I have always had a weird relationship with coffee...I love the smell and the taste but if I drink it warm it makes me feel sick, however I really need it at the moment as I get to put 2 bags of splenda in it and revel in its icy milky sweetness, sadly despite my honey trying on numerous occasions to teach me how to do it, I am horrible horrible at making it. This morning I tried twice, the first time was watery and the second was full of coffee grinds...none of those ideal, so now I haven't had any coffee and I would really like some as I am hugely grumpy and my sweetheart only come home on Monday...harumphhhh!!!.

Really wanted to cheat all day

One of my biggest triggers is frustration, specifically job related. My job is not going as well as I wish it was (euphimism!!) having said that, it has sort of been a blessing in disguise, as it made me realize how much I love singing and how much I admire and adore the art of being an opera singer, and quite frankly how much shit I am willing to put up with and go through in order to fulfill my dream of being a working one...singer not girl, that is. It is the chief reason I have decided to try to drop a few pounds, but at the moment it is kind of a vicious circle, a particular event yesterday made me so mad I wanted to cheat all day long, I hoped I would wake up and feel some relief...no such luck...luckily I filled my morning walking the dog and IMing a friend who managed to take my mind off things for a while, and yes, I REALLY want to cheat today , but since white knuckling phase 1, I find the desire for sugar is still an ever present force, BUT my ability to reason through it is a little stronger, as it doesn't feel like I will die anymore without it, more like I will just live in eternal agony, which is a vast improvement ;)

Being tested.

Got some diasappointing news this morning and I will not deny my first thought went to consuming a large vat of Haagen Daz after the initial appetite-supressing-shock wore off. Anyway, I ate a half a cup of cottage cheese instead. Last night, I drank too much wine, which was actually 2 glasses, weird how I consider that a bad day now...in fact that sort of slip-up used to be a 'perfect' day for me...so back on the really straight and narrow today...going for the SB gold standard lots of veggies and lean proteins and some awesome grapes I have in my fridge for dessert.
My sweetheart and I have been weighing ourselves so much we wore out the battery on my scale...replaced it this morning, and got to enjoy some of the lovely Philly sunshine in the process.

Thrilled Sandra Bullock won last night, and her dress was amazing, as were Queen Latifah's and Demi Moores'. I thought Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin were pretty cute too.

.6 teensy little pounds away from the magic 10.

Yippeeeeeeeeeee, scale said I am down another 2.4 which brings me to a grand 9.4 pound total.

Things I have loved

• I am not hungry at all
• My cravings seems to be somewhat controllable
  
• It is a very boy-friendly diet, so your honey can do it too, which really helps
  
• My sweetheart has been 100 percent on board
• Weight loss has been pretty rapid, now for the slowing down time, where I hope I can stay as motivated.
  
• the fact that none of the 'legal' foods except milk and nuts are limited, has freed me from the usual diet worry of hunger and what my best friend calls the 'siege mentality'.

Things that have been challenging

• No sugar
• No sugar
• No sugar (did I mention the 'no sugar' thing?)
• I feel like I am eating ALL DAY, EVERY DAY
• I need to plan the day and use my time very wisely, and cook almost every meal.
• I had very little energy in the first 2 week, but have managed a half an hour workout since that phase ended which amounts to 2 days right now.
  
• NO SUGAR!!!!!
  

PHASE 2

I have never made it into the second phase of anything, not even a computer game for heaven's sake. Yeah, here I am phase 2.

My final weight loss count of Phase 1 is 6.8 pounds. Now I go onto the slow weight loss phase, 1 to 2 pounds a week, knowing my metabolism as I do I suspect I will be more of the half-a-pound-a-week kind of person. Hopefully I go into this new phase of my life sans cravings, and ready to stick it out for however long I need to make the real life changes I have to....probably around a year or 18 months I suspect. I am making SB friendly meatloaf tonight, oats instead of bread, and lots of marinara sauce for moisture but the thing I am most excited about is the baked yam I am gonna have along with it...YUMMY!!!
Ate my first apple today, and it was insanely good. Also got some really good career related news.
Yup all in all a really really good day.

Cravings part 2

Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...yesterday, how do I say this...sucked arse? blew? was awful? any and all of the above. At about 3 o clock I persuaded myself that I was starving and neeeeeeded sugar or I would die...yes, die...much sobbing and drama later, I ate way more of the 'legal' food than I usually do and went to bed at 10pm, I am pleased to report, I am still alive, not dead from the dreaded lack-of-carbs disease that has felled absolutely no one on earth but I was convinced I would be the first victim of, still on plan, chastened and humbled, but dreading a similar attack, as I am sort of fragile.
Tomorrow I get to add a couple of fruits, no pineapple or watermelon sadly, and a daily serving of whole grains. Can't wait for my first apple, I saw some called Pink Ladies at Trader Joes which looked scrumptious.

CRAVINGS.

Massive, aching, obsessive, horrible cravings right now...no idea what set the bleeping things off.

Doubt.

Now begins the hard part, weight not falling off anymore, in fact a pound crept back, which I did nothing to warrant, this above all else scares me in my war, when things happen that I do not understand, that seem to me to defy logic. This makes me want to SCREAM at the supercilious people who write articles and appear on TV reciting platitudes like, weight is only about 'calories in and calories' out, because quite frankly my anecdotal proof denies that patronising 'fact'. Anyway, no use in railing against reality.
In order to stay super motivated, I have decided to create a list of why I reached the end of my tether 13 days ago, now.

• I hate having my picture taken...hate hate hate hate it-I always have in fact, since I was a small child, I feel vulnerable and exposed and extremely plain but in a related horror, I have not been able to enjoy the pictures of my little sisters wedding, because I look so frightful in them.
• My body and voice do not line up in the way the people who run opera houses believe they should. Sad but true fact, whether I like it or not.
  
• I have some really nice clothes in my closet which do not fit me anymore, my favourite is a pair of red engine jeans and a veeeeeeeeery cute pink silk top from Banana Republic.
• In July I am off to the most gorgeous island in France to sing Gilda, a 15 year old girl, who disguises herself as a boy at one stage...'nuff said!
  

Hot ham water.

For Arrested Development fans out there, the heading is in reference to when Lindsey boiled ham in water and christened it a 'new dish', namely 'hot ham water', which makes most of my friends and me laugh every time.

Anyway the point is, I was craving soup, as someone who wishes it were acceptable to eat soup for breakfast lunch and supper, it was kind of taxing not to have had any for the past 12 days. I made this divine Mexican soup, with ham, chilis, tons of cilantro, a can of tomatoes, a small onion, lentils (instead of beans) as I do not like beans and lashings of spring onions, it was insanely good as I had a left over hambone which I boiled in the soup for an hour before removing...OMG, yummers...Todd said it was lacking tortillas...but hey, beggars can't be choosers.
Tonight , gonna play some board games, and make roast pork and asparagus, and brave resisting the sweet potatoes my friends are bringing.

Days 1-11

decided to write what I'd experienced on the first few days of South beach Phase 1. The first day I was almost euphoric, the second day I just had to concentrate really hard, the 3rd day I had an impromptu birthday party and managed just fine, although I made a large ham, and later read that it had cane sugar juice in it, note to self READ LABELS, make no assumptions...BUT...the fourth day was a horror, as was I, just oboxious, crabby, argumentative: in short awful, by the next day I got my shit together, and forged along, finally on the 6th day I felt like my jeans were loose and actually wanted to weigh myself for the first time in three years.
Day 7, the impossible happened, I was sitting on the airplane and like a bruise or sore tooth that you keep pressing I went through my checklist..cookies...nope...candy...nope..white chocolate...??nnnn-ope...coke..love some right now in a glass with lots of ice and tons of lime...so that was the only remnant of my sugar obsession. This morning (day 11) my desire for coke is just as strong, but I have lost 7 pounds (water weight as all the forums warn you) and that is enough inspiration to keep me off that nectar for maybe a few more days.

Thought this could be a blog for my friends on Facebook and anyone else who is interested in this whole shebang. Eight days ago I decided that enough was enough and that I simply didn't want to continue losing my @#%^$ battle with weight anymore! I had been a secret dieter for years, bitterly, loathsomely ashamed of myself for my string of endless failures. The biggest eye opener was when I followed Weight Watchers with great success finally at the age of thirty-' managed to lose thirty five pounds by working out every day except Sundays for an hour and a half or more- then proceeded to spend absolutely NO time enjoying being slimmer because all I could think about was putting the weight back on, and how hard it had been to lose. I dreaded falling asleep because I had a recurring dream that I would awaken fat again. First I reached the dreaded plateau where you don't lose weight despite following the eating plan to the letter and working out, I got really discouraged but continued to count points and hope for the best, but the worst happened instead, I started picking up a pound a week, this freaked me out and eventually I thought, well I am not going to carry on working this hard if my destiny is to be fat, and I threw my hands up on the air and just ate whatever I wanted until 2 years and six months after I had lost some weight it stormed back, pound by wicked pound. It was like watching a slow motion car crash with myself behind the wheel ever single day. Yes, I know I sound dramatic but for me I felt like I was in the fight for my life every time I craved a cookie, or candy or coke, my arch nemeses. On top of that, being an opera singer we ALL know that the old adage of opera singers being heavier is simply no longer true, in fact I think a great many opera houses quite simply will not cast someone that has extra poundage regardless of how well they sing so I started to notice the effect of my career, which caused more shame and embarrassment...sigh. Anyway to make a long story even longer, I decided to 'screw my courage to the sticking place' and 'out' myself on Facebook!
As it turns out instead of the ridicule and judgment I expected most of my friends just exuded love and understanding, and BRILLIANT help and advice, and I realized that waaaaaaaaaaay more people than I suspected struggled with weight and most of my friends were a treasure trove of helpful advice and experiences, and if it wasn't weight it was something else, and that it is not some deep dark secret, I mean we all know we can't keep it to ourselves,. after all it is not like people didn't notice my exploding body, most were just too polite to say anything, but I hoped that if I didn't speak about it, it would go away...yes seriously, that was my 'stategery'...needless to say, it did not work.

So here I am on day ten of Phase 1 of the South Beach diet....wanna hear what I have experienced so far....this is the deal by way of explanation and how radical the last few days have been for me, I have simply never ever eaten something that is 'too sweet'...you know those people that eat some celestial caramel-covered chocolate bar and then wrinkle their faces and utter 'yeuch, too sweet for me'...I BELIEVE they are liars! Thus I decided to go cold turkey and quit sugar , alcohol, and most carbs in preparation for a healthier life style, which is essentially the premise of the south beach diet, phase one was designed to help curb sugar craving to set you up for a healthier WOE (that means way of eating btw)...something I discovered while trolling the endless forums and websites out there dedicated to this exact subject. I had tried to do this once before four years ago and lasted the sum total of two and a half hours before I was lying on my couch seemingly paralized with a debilitating headache..I mean I am not even a hypochondriac for heaven's sake!!! Anyway back to the present day, yeah, day 10, down 6 pounds, and most FRIGGING EXCITING FACT OF ALL...drum roll please.....I DO NOT HAVE SUGAR CRAVINGS RIGHT NOW, for the first time that I can remember. More on all of this tomorrow as I suspect this is all too long and boring for one blog.