oh deary me

Went to a nice party last night...fell of the wagon...right onto my arse in fact. Phase 1 for the rest of the week in penance.

Return of the monster cravings!

It is 6 32 I am in my hotel room, and I have been having my first monster bout of cravings in a great while. they started last night at about 6pm and they are still here this morning :(
Last night I was sort of climbing the walls. I am trying to figure out why, these are my suppositions...

• On Friday I ate 3 servings of fruit, 2 of which I had not done the recommended slow introduction of. Bananas (which I shall not miss at all) and oranges. I am going to cut them out again, although I had forgotten how blissful oranges were. I know I can take apples and grapes, so I will return to phase 1 for 2 days when I get home, and then re-introduce oranges and hope they were not the culprits. I also ate white rice with my sushi and that is a south beach no-no, so it might just have been that, perhaps my GI was spiked.
  
• Saturday I needed to order take out as I do not live close to a grocery store and I have no car while I am here, the only available options were pizza and chinese food, so I tried the less of 2 evils (I thought) and ordered shrimp and veggies, however they were cooked with some sauce, which I ate, and perhaps it triggered the cravings.
• I am not on a regular food schedule, I have been careful to be ultra organized through this, and that has paid dividends (when I know I am working over lunchtime I ALWAYS pack a salad and string cheese which is kind of an unsung star of south beach astonishingly, it works like a charm for me actually, and I should have thrown a bag in my suitcase before leaving) Lack of organization leaves me vulnerable to cravings! One of the cornerstones to South Beach is a pretty constant eating schedule. It is actually something I can find exceedingly unpleasant about this, as I feel like I am constantly feeding myself, but it actually works very well at keeping hunger at bay, and I will return to it ASAP.
  
• I have one more day in the hotel, and then tomorrow I leave early for a horribly disjointed flight back to Philly via Detroit... yeuch, connecting flights in the US are such an extraordinary gamble and in my experience I do not make the second leg around 50% of the time. Once I get to the airport I have a game plan though, the cob salad from Au Bon Pan is usually pretty high quality food, and nice and filling...so just 24 hours of white knuckling or perhaps I will be over this by tomorrow.
  
• The singer I am covering feels much better today, and so she will be going on, and I wonder if just that huge release of tension made me want to 'reward' myself with food as I would have before. They say it takes 3 months to create a habit, I have only done my time for just over 30 days now, so 60 to go before hopefully I don't have to worry about strong cravings anymore. plus I will have learned my lesson about traveling... always pack string cheese!
  

Okay it is very early but I decided to blog instead of eat the ice cream, which is calling my name, my first ice cream craving in weeks in fact, the coke craving is somewhat ever present but has become very strong again. I wish junk food were banned from hotels...lol, yes I am becoming the grinch who stole junk food.

sigh of relief.

WOW!!!! I have had a really interesting few days. On Wednesday a good friend of mine had a birthday, in fact he is one of the inspirations for my south beaching. He bought a beef tenderloin to share with us and we all cooked it up together on the grill, along with vast amounts of veggies and salad...luckily I did not touch any wine and I say this for a very important reason, I awoke on Thursday to a frantic email from my manager saying the Lyric opera of Kansas City needed a Gilda to cover and possibly go on, on Friday night for their indisposed singer. I thought to myself 'hey, if I can quit sugar for a month, I can do ANYTHING'...yes, you are right that is a ridiculous line of reasoning, something I worked out a few hours later when I was about to make my debut to a packed house in Kansas City with 2 and a half hours of staging rehearsal and very little sleep under my belt...anyway to get back to what i was saying, usually birthday parties are celebrated with wine, especially when you think you have nothing to do the next day, and usually you wake up with a bit of a hangover the following day, luckily I didn't, as I had to relearn Gilda in a few short hours. The last time I had sung it, was over 5 years ago in SA, and SURPRISINGLY little came back to me. I knew the Caro Nome and most of the quartet still, but I had another 6 pieces to learn, anyway I started trying to cram it back in, and by 9 that night I was flying to KC. Upon I arrival I listened to the opera again, and slept really fitfully for around 2 hours. Most opera singers I know I have one specific anxiety dream. It entails us being forced onto a stage in a role we don't know...I was actually living a slightly scaled down version of that dream. I had a fitting on Friday morning at 8 thirty, then a coaching at 10, and finally a staging at 1. I managed to get back to the hotel before the show, BUT I was pretty scared of what to eat, I had not been able to plan or get groceries to cook myself a meal , so I resorted to sushi, the white rice was unideal, but they did not offer brown. I also ate a great deal more fruit than I should have (as the opera company had very thoughtfully left me a welcome package filled with fruit, cheese and crackers) I am still supposed to be on one serving of fruit a day but I ate a banana (hate them, but they are a great source of postassium which acts as a beta blocker when you are really nervous) 2 apples and an orange, I had absolutely no appetite, but I simply could not slake my thirst, no matter how much water I drank, and I was trying to get some hydration with food as well, especially as I was about to sing a very long role that night and needed as much vocal lubrication as possible. A friend told me the south beach is very drying, and they are totally right especially if you are not vigilant...anyway I ate some lamb chops for dinner, but had no veggies at all, all day long. GRRR!!!!
The good news is doing this WOE (way of eating) has actually allowed me not just to be healthier, BUT to be ready for a great opportunity. Before, I would have had to turn it down, as I cannot drink and sing the day afterward. Did I look perfect in the costumes..no...am I at my ideal weight...absolutely not.. do I wish I had another five months to get in fighting shape for being on stage...ABSOLUTELY! BUT I had lots of running moves and I needed to move up and down stairs quite a bit, and I never lost any air doing it which I attribute to working out again. Working out, as much as I hate it, is vital when I am preparing for a large role. This is the same role that inspired me to go on a diet, as I am singing it in France in July, and I was hoping to look somewhat convincing when I had to appear in the third act disguised as a boy. Last night I still looked like a very large breasted girl...but I live in hope! This blog ended up being more about singing than eating and food control, but for me they are inextricably linked as without control of one I am not in contention for the other which is in fact, the great love of my life.

Good and bad...part 2

Good

• Our liquor bill has plummeted ;)

• We are starting to feel a bit more energized

• Both of us are still losing weight

• Cravings are somewhat minimal if you are sure to eat 3 times a day, and include the prescribed snacks. I imagine for people who were less addicted to sugar than me this is just breezy. Luckily bread has never been a vice for me. Probably the only vice I lack in fact.

• Being able to add the odd complex carb on phase 2 opens a lot of possibilities, last night we had spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. Whole wheat pasta (cook for way longer than white pasta and it tastes much better) and sugarless marinara (which actually tastes amazing), but the meal was really delicious.

• My taste buds are super sensitive, and when I drank some white wine at the weekend, I could taste a great deal more than usual and I enjoyed every sip

Bad

• A diet of meat and veggies can get boring if you are not creative

• It is time consuming, and requires a lot of planning, especially with more than one boy in the house (ie when we have house guests) - as a rule boys are not filled or satisfied by salads. On the flip side it is very easy to entertain as in general people are happy with protein and veggies as long as you dress it up, and having very little limit on fat in the form of olive oil allows food to taste pretty great.
  

• This is not vegetarian friendly in any way
• I am still wrestling with the knowledge that I will do this for the rest of my life, my brain understands that sugar means death to me, but my heart is not ecstatic about that fact
• Thank heavens our liquor bill is down, as our grocery bill is far higher, eating healthfully is a very expensive endeavor, granted the health care bills for obesity and its related illnesses are very large, but for the here and now, our grocery bill is a source of relative panic.
  

...is it possible I am beginning to understand food...?

I will not pretend I crashed through 10 pounds or anything but I did lose another half a pound, which makes me pretty darn happy and brings my total to 10 and a half hard earned pounds. YAY ME!!! I have been working out but far more sporadically than I should, in fact I should be working out now, and not writing this blog, but I had lots to say today...and hopefully this will shame me into getting my arse into gear on my eliptical.

Food means luxury and happiness to me, it symbolizes love, admiration and generosity, especially when I get to share it with people I am close to...these are things that my family showed me, the good and the bad. Thus I decided my main mission through all of this is not to feel deprived...EVER as when i feel deprived I feel hopeless and unloved ...yes SERIOUSLY! Needless to say in trying to avoid feelings of deprivation I did not completely succeed, especially in the first two weeks , but that has really changed these last 14 days. I have also noticed that things I find amazing, gorgeous and decadent are staaaaarrrrting to change. I made grilled chicken, twice this weekend as the weather was to die for, I brined the chicken, and then marinated it in olive oil, garlic, rosemary and lemon, the first time I charred it too much, but the second time came up beautifully, then for dessert I grilled nectarines and served them up with mascarpone...silky and delicious. My honey and I felt sated and blessed afterward, both of us reflected how having 'dessert' made us feel like we were breaking the 'rules'...in the 'old' days a bad day for us might have included numerous bars of chocolate and vast amounts of candy too (mostly me, he would have consumed an entire block of cheese), now it is nectarines and mascarpone.

I also think it is interesting how this has turned ALL my theories about food and weight on their ear...being a huge know-it-all this is really hard for me, and also pretty darn nice that my own hopelessness is being proven wrong. I still cannot believe that I can lose weight, eating vast amounts of proteins and veggies, at least a serving of mayo every day, and a great deal of olive oil (counting points on WW made me almost pathological about fats), which btw has REALLY improved my skin...those Italians seem to be on to something.

This might just come from a possible false high I am feeling..it could be the spring fever...tomorrow I will probably be back to my snarky, flippant self, but for today, all is right with the world, and the laws of nutrition are starting to make sense to me. GOD,I HOPE IT LASTS!

Triggers galore today

I forced myself to work out this morning, despite the fact I did not want to get out of bed, the workout was dodgy to say the least, but I lumbered through it. I had breakfast , and then got ready for work, I packed my lunch as I wasn't hungry so I ended up eating at 4, then I gave a three hour masterclass which meant I had no time for the prescribed snack , at the end of it, I was very tired AND I really felt like I 'deserved' a treat or 12 to 'reward' myself for a job well done (HUGE TRIGGER!!), it wasn't so much that I was hungry, just exhausted and a little depressed. I got home, made some shrimp and green beans, and I feel satisfied. I read today that being fat can actually double your risk of Alzheimers...I mean REALLY!!!?? That is just staggering...don't get me wrong I am not doing this for the bullshit 'health' thing, I am totally doing it for vanity and employment opportunities...but jeez louise...DOUBLE the risk!!!!!!
Tomorrow I plan on making a grilled chicken again, I made on Friday and it tasted okay but I believe it could be great, so I will keep practicing.
Watching this guy on TV now called Daniel Amen, who is speaking about the connection between the brain type and overeating, a bit televangelistic, but interesting nonetheless...he also believes sugar is death, and that the whole 'everything in moderation' is kind of bullshit..his quote 'even small amounts of cocaine and arsenic' are bad for you!

10 pounds today!

Made it to 10 pounds...soooo excited...40 more to go.

Epic fail.

It was a friend of mines 30th birthday party tonight. I had my dinner and decided that I would have an 'allowed' glass of red wine at the party, SB allows 4 to 8 ounces of red wine a day in phase 2 but I had made a personal decision not to do this as I felt like it was too tempting to polish off a whole bottle rather than the allotted amount, especially when I am with people I like and am having fun, and whenever I drink I feel like there is nothing wrong with me, which does not inspire the self-loathing necessary to stick to a successful diet in my opinion.....annnyyyway, said thirty year old friend makes ridiculously good dirty martinis, and I simply did not want to resist, so I had one, and boy did I enjoy the sly, slithery way it seeped into my body, legs first of course, and then without thinking I had another which caused me not to be able to feel my feet or teeth............ Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!
Tomorrow is another day, back on the straight and super narrow.

GRR!!!

Weight didn't move this week...haaaaaaaaaate that, I mean really hate it, the fact that I am already having trouble in only week three (entirely sans cheating so far) is extremely discouraging. I introduced apples, grapes, yams and mini whole wheat bagles, so I am guessing I need to 'unintroduce' those things again and see if my weight loss picks up again. The good news is I have had so many stunning conversations with friends on Saturday I played Scrabble all evening with my two best buddies in Philly, they have actually done the South Beach extremely successfully and were part of my inspiration to try it, we spoke about the challenges (breakfasts on phase 1 if you like cereal-luckily not a personal vice for me) and the triumphs, they have managed to keep their weight off for ages now. I also spoke to another colleague and friend who is extremely eloquent and verbal and who battles the exact same demons, in a side note she was saying that her thinner family feel morally superior to her, and I was thinking 'yup I have definitely experienced that in my life', NEVER ever from my family , but from people who feel the need to dispense caloric philosophies to me to 'help' me see the error of my ways...the kicker is most overweight people I know , know everything there is to know about calories: they just don't know how to control consuming too many of them at given times.

I managed to do a few nice things while my honey was away this week, and stave off the dreaded boredom-eating trap. I saw the Pennsylvania Ballet and they were just breathtaking...utterly transcendent, but even at my dreamiest, most determined, I never want that kind of body, they look great flying through the air and all, but they simply don't measure up to what I personally consider beautiful, which is not to say that many other people on earth don't believe ballet dancers and their pre-pubescent forms are the most fantastic, sexy things out there, but I do not agree, not in a world where Christina Hendricks exists, she is so ravishing she makes my eyes hurt.

Coffee

I have always had a weird relationship with coffee...I love the smell and the taste but if I drink it warm it makes me feel sick, however I really need it at the moment as I get to put 2 bags of splenda in it and revel in its icy milky sweetness, sadly despite my honey trying on numerous occasions to teach me how to do it, I am horrible horrible at making it. This morning I tried twice, the first time was watery and the second was full of coffee grinds...none of those ideal, so now I haven't had any coffee and I would really like some as I am hugely grumpy and my sweetheart only come home on Monday...harumphhhh!!!.

Really wanted to cheat all day

One of my biggest triggers is frustration, specifically job related. My job is not going as well as I wish it was (euphimism!!) having said that, it has sort of been a blessing in disguise, as it made me realize how much I love singing and how much I admire and adore the art of being an opera singer, and quite frankly how much shit I am willing to put up with and go through in order to fulfill my dream of being a working one...singer not girl, that is. It is the chief reason I have decided to try to drop a few pounds, but at the moment it is kind of a vicious circle, a particular event yesterday made me so mad I wanted to cheat all day long, I hoped I would wake up and feel some relief...no such luck...luckily I filled my morning walking the dog and IMing a friend who managed to take my mind off things for a while, and yes, I REALLY want to cheat today , but since white knuckling phase 1, I find the desire for sugar is still an ever present force, BUT my ability to reason through it is a little stronger, as it doesn't feel like I will die anymore without it, more like I will just live in eternal agony, which is a vast improvement ;)

Being tested.

Got some diasappointing news this morning and I will not deny my first thought went to consuming a large vat of Haagen Daz after the initial appetite-supressing-shock wore off. Anyway, I ate a half a cup of cottage cheese instead. Last night, I drank too much wine, which was actually 2 glasses, weird how I consider that a bad day now...in fact that sort of slip-up used to be a 'perfect' day for me...so back on the really straight and narrow today...going for the SB gold standard lots of veggies and lean proteins and some awesome grapes I have in my fridge for dessert.
My sweetheart and I have been weighing ourselves so much we wore out the battery on my scale...replaced it this morning, and got to enjoy some of the lovely Philly sunshine in the process.

Thrilled Sandra Bullock won last night, and her dress was amazing, as were Queen Latifah's and Demi Moores'. I thought Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin were pretty cute too.

.6 teensy little pounds away from the magic 10.

Yippeeeeeeeeeee, scale said I am down another 2.4 which brings me to a grand 9.4 pound total.

Things I have loved

• I am not hungry at all
• My cravings seems to be somewhat controllable
  
• It is a very boy-friendly diet, so your honey can do it too, which really helps
  
• My sweetheart has been 100 percent on board
• Weight loss has been pretty rapid, now for the slowing down time, where I hope I can stay as motivated.
  
• the fact that none of the 'legal' foods except milk and nuts are limited, has freed me from the usual diet worry of hunger and what my best friend calls the 'siege mentality'.

Things that have been challenging

• No sugar
• No sugar
• No sugar (did I mention the 'no sugar' thing?)
• I feel like I am eating ALL DAY, EVERY DAY
• I need to plan the day and use my time very wisely, and cook almost every meal.
• I had very little energy in the first 2 week, but have managed a half an hour workout since that phase ended which amounts to 2 days right now.
  
• NO SUGAR!!!!!
  

PHASE 2

I have never made it into the second phase of anything, not even a computer game for heaven's sake. Yeah, here I am phase 2.

My final weight loss count of Phase 1 is 6.8 pounds. Now I go onto the slow weight loss phase, 1 to 2 pounds a week, knowing my metabolism as I do I suspect I will be more of the half-a-pound-a-week kind of person. Hopefully I go into this new phase of my life sans cravings, and ready to stick it out for however long I need to make the real life changes I have to....probably around a year or 18 months I suspect. I am making SB friendly meatloaf tonight, oats instead of bread, and lots of marinara sauce for moisture but the thing I am most excited about is the baked yam I am gonna have along with it...YUMMY!!!
Ate my first apple today, and it was insanely good. Also got some really good career related news.
Yup all in all a really really good day.

Cravings part 2

Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...yesterday, how do I say this...sucked arse? blew? was awful? any and all of the above. At about 3 o clock I persuaded myself that I was starving and neeeeeeded sugar or I would die...yes, die...much sobbing and drama later, I ate way more of the 'legal' food than I usually do and went to bed at 10pm, I am pleased to report, I am still alive, not dead from the dreaded lack-of-carbs disease that has felled absolutely no one on earth but I was convinced I would be the first victim of, still on plan, chastened and humbled, but dreading a similar attack, as I am sort of fragile.
Tomorrow I get to add a couple of fruits, no pineapple or watermelon sadly, and a daily serving of whole grains. Can't wait for my first apple, I saw some called Pink Ladies at Trader Joes which looked scrumptious.

CRAVINGS.

Massive, aching, obsessive, horrible cravings right now...no idea what set the bleeping things off.

Doubt.

Now begins the hard part, weight not falling off anymore, in fact a pound crept back, which I did nothing to warrant, this above all else scares me in my war, when things happen that I do not understand, that seem to me to defy logic. This makes me want to SCREAM at the supercilious people who write articles and appear on TV reciting platitudes like, weight is only about 'calories in and calories' out, because quite frankly my anecdotal proof denies that patronising 'fact'. Anyway, no use in railing against reality.
In order to stay super motivated, I have decided to create a list of why I reached the end of my tether 13 days ago, now.

• I hate having my picture taken...hate hate hate hate it-I always have in fact, since I was a small child, I feel vulnerable and exposed and extremely plain but in a related horror, I have not been able to enjoy the pictures of my little sisters wedding, because I look so frightful in them.
• My body and voice do not line up in the way the people who run opera houses believe they should. Sad but true fact, whether I like it or not.
  
• I have some really nice clothes in my closet which do not fit me anymore, my favourite is a pair of red engine jeans and a veeeeeeeeery cute pink silk top from Banana Republic.
• In July I am off to the most gorgeous island in France to sing Gilda, a 15 year old girl, who disguises herself as a boy at one stage...'nuff said!
  

Hot ham water.

For Arrested Development fans out there, the heading is in reference to when Lindsey boiled ham in water and christened it a 'new dish', namely 'hot ham water', which makes most of my friends and me laugh every time.

Anyway the point is, I was craving soup, as someone who wishes it were acceptable to eat soup for breakfast lunch and supper, it was kind of taxing not to have had any for the past 12 days. I made this divine Mexican soup, with ham, chilis, tons of cilantro, a can of tomatoes, a small onion, lentils (instead of beans) as I do not like beans and lashings of spring onions, it was insanely good as I had a left over hambone which I boiled in the soup for an hour before removing...OMG, yummers...Todd said it was lacking tortillas...but hey, beggars can't be choosers.
Tonight , gonna play some board games, and make roast pork and asparagus, and brave resisting the sweet potatoes my friends are bringing.

Days 1-11

decided to write what I'd experienced on the first few days of South beach Phase 1. The first day I was almost euphoric, the second day I just had to concentrate really hard, the 3rd day I had an impromptu birthday party and managed just fine, although I made a large ham, and later read that it had cane sugar juice in it, note to self READ LABELS, make no assumptions...BUT...the fourth day was a horror, as was I, just oboxious, crabby, argumentative: in short awful, by the next day I got my shit together, and forged along, finally on the 6th day I felt like my jeans were loose and actually wanted to weigh myself for the first time in three years.
Day 7, the impossible happened, I was sitting on the airplane and like a bruise or sore tooth that you keep pressing I went through my checklist..cookies...nope...candy...nope..white chocolate...??nnnn-ope...coke..love some right now in a glass with lots of ice and tons of lime...so that was the only remnant of my sugar obsession. This morning (day 11) my desire for coke is just as strong, but I have lost 7 pounds (water weight as all the forums warn you) and that is enough inspiration to keep me off that nectar for maybe a few more days.