Tribute.

Thinking about the nature of loss this morning. I once had a WW teacher who said 'never say you want to lose weight, as if you lose something your instinct is to try to find it again' I laughed at the time, I am a chronic loser of things, and on top of that I never seem to find them again with the exception of pounds, I find them with 10 extra every time! Weight 'removal' is a weird, self obsessed, egotistical process, it takes ALL of my time and energy to do it, in fact I have very little time for other things, I find myself not wanting to go out and to be social usually, but this time I made a public announcement about it so that I didn't have to explain myself every time I was at a social gathering and had to refuse something. The funny thing was that facing one of my biggest fears- ie public humiliation- has changed a lot of things, you realize how many people in life struggle with this issue when you are willing to talk about it, you also realize that if you ask for help, you often get it. In this long grind, my honey has been a champion, I don't want to rely on him too much as what if just decided he had enough of watching every bite we put into or mouths, or he reaches his goal weight and wants to stop ,he is just a few pounds away in fact. I will still have to carry on forever, being a true addict and all.

I wanted to write today though about the sweetest thing he did the other night, when I got home from work, he had a tray set out with baked and salted sugar snap peas you can get from trader joe's, and a martini shaker and glass. Into the martini shaker went lemon juice and crushed ice which he shook up and poured in the glass along with a lemon twist which he topped off with sparkling water, it looked soooo nice and tasted pretty delicious, and made me feel like I had a cocktail, he also downloaded a chick flick and we watched it together, also previously unheard of for us (most of our collective movie rep included hobbits and light sabers)....yep, it was pretty perfect, but I also want to say things were not always this way, we used to fight a lot about food and the way to eat it and prepare it and who was in charge of it and where we should purchase it and how much of it we should consume-you name it, if it is food related we have argued about it, but this time has also been different, I don't know what exactly changed things, was it my public announcement, certainly South Beach is boy friendly, did he finally sense my true desperation but I don't know. I have also been very honest and very open about everything, even when I was frustrated I didn't stop talking and trying to verbalize what was going on (which is what I would have done before) and things just clicked for him and for us food-wise for the first time ever. Yes, I had a setback this week, yes it felt pretty major and like a giant failure, but once again what changed was that I actually got back on the wagon 24 hours later and have managed to stay on it since. As they say in smoking ads, never quit trying to quit! Having a true partner in what feels like the challenge of my life (which shows what a great life I've had if this is the worst part of it, I suppose) is nothing short of amazing. 'A burden shared is a burden halved'

So to my sweetie, who never protested being on my blog, or the fact that I have said some pretty harsh words about him on it before, thanks for the help, honey!

mini vacation

My sweetie has been off for 48 whole hours, a miracle in our world. I really love it because he always makes breakfast for me, we have been together for 6 years now, and he still does it. Breakfast is the best weapon in the South Beach arsenal, if I get it right , I get the rest of the day right far more easily, so it is great to have a fellow warrior with me every morning to fight that battle. I am a reformed breakfast eater, as I child loathed it, but I have come to love it and look forward to it with anticipation. the day I fell off the wagon, I did not have a proper breakfast as my honey has gone to work early.

anyway back to our few days together, last night we watched a movie at 9 o clock (usually he is still working at that time), Sherlock Holmes in fact and we loved it. Tonight he banished me upstairs whilst making a suprise for me, I have no idea what it is, but it will be unveiled at 9pm sharp.

I am still depressed about Arizona, I have decided to suggest my own litmus test, ask people how they feel about Samuel Barber, if they love him, they are Americans , if they don't they are not...that simple! He is a national treasure, I heard his first symphony the other night conducted by someone I would sell my first born to work with, and once again I was reminded what gorgeous music he writes, then the orchestra played some Ligeti which made me mad, as it robbed me of 11 minutes of my life I can never EVER replace.

ooooooooooooh gotta go, it is 9pm.................

fell off the wagon yesterday..

and landed with a resounding thud on my arse. Thought about what I would have done before, which was keep it to myself , let it fester and mould and probably carry on doing it every day thereafter, all the time thinking I would get a handle on it which I wouldn't, of course and I would spiral downward, again. NOT THIS TIME, so I confess, I ate sugar yesterday, and lots of it (it did not make me feel very good, physically or emotionally), not totally sure why I did it either, but I will 'not quit trying to quit'... today is a new day.

I worked out, ate a good breakfast, have my lunch and dinner planned. When I told my honey, this morning, we both decided I need some sort of back up plan for days like yesterday, his suggestion was 'drink water' and 'work out', good suggestions but I know now they will not work for me that simply feels like extra punishment, I need to have a fun option, that takes my mind off of things and the grind of trying to change a lifetime of mixed and bad messages about food, ...still thinking about what that plan might be though.

In other news, I am trying to tidy my bedroom and I tried on my favourite skirt, it is white with small red roses on it, I bought it at this great shop in CT called Frock, and my only regret is that I did not buy the cornflower blue one as well- they were heinously expensive- but this skirt can be bundled in a ball and still look great, it has been everywhere with me France, New York Jo'burg (yeuch!!), and always gets extravagant compliments. When I gave away most of my thin clothes, I could not bring myself to throw it away too, despite the fact that I couldn't get it over my thighs, well this morning I did, and closed too, it is still indecently tight, but I reckon I am 10 pounds away from doing it justice....so today begins operation gorgeous red skirt before my sister and my stunning niece arrive.

@##$!!

Inexplicably I am UP 2 pounds....well I guess not that inexplicably, been skipping a few meals and maybe including more carbs than I should(think I might be a one serving a day and NOT a 2 serving a day person), and I had too much alcohol last week.

I am so frustrated I am having a tantrum throwing my hands in the air and drinking a coke right at this very moment... was not gonna blog about it and then I thought well that was the whole point of this... I was going to be totally honest and broadcast the process warts and cokes and slip ups and setbacks and all...I feel like printing a very long, very robust, swear word, but sometimes my mom reads this, so I am just going to print this instead @#$%^&*^%$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$%^&*((((*&^%$####@#@##@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Depressed.

I feel so horrified by Arizona today. It seems like South Africa in the 80s.

I am an immigrant, a legal one in fact, through huge amounts of toil, a massive random act of kindness bestowed upon me , 10 years of wishes, over 10 000 dollars for lawyers and visa fees , desperation, sacrifice and prayer. I know I am one lucky girl to have that, I also know that most immigrants do NOT have access to the resources and love that allowed me to become a permanent resident of my adopted country. I also know I could 'look' like an illegal/undocumented alien (such a disgusting term btw) , I have olive skin, many people mistake me for an hispanic person (and let's face it, they are the people this law is aimed at, they are the people that the far right of our land has decided to target, to pour their unfounded, illogical hatred into destroying, they have managed to legislate fear, in the same way South Africans legislated racism with the introduction of apartheid. They are making hatred and ignorance legal.

The fact is I would be under threat in Arizona as would many of my friends... my AMERICAN friends! Everyone in Arizona is required to have proof of papers now, it sounds alarmingly like the pass laws in SA!! I have a green card and the law states I should NOT carry it on my person unless traveling out of the country, I guess I will have to think of Arizona as a foreign country now.

Shame on you guys, shame on the legislators who said nothing for fear of political reprisal , you KNOW it is wrong, you know it is heinous and revolting, yet you are cowards and won't stand up for what is morally right, it is that simple. Do better!

Return to Phase 1

Just gonna do a bit of phase 1 for a while, as I have been enjoying myself a little too much, still losing weight strangely (downs 14) but I want to monitor this much better for a while so that I don't fall into my old habits after all this hard work-I am still 4 weeks short of the magical 90 days, where healthy eating will officially be my 'habit' and I will no longer be white knuckling.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/18/magazine/18exercise-t.html?pagewanted=2&ref=general&src=me


A friend sent me this really interesting article especially for someone like me who truly loathes exercise , it was one of the reasons I stopped dieting years ago, I just couldn't face running a single extra mile, this time I have only made myself do 30 minutes a day 6 days a week, hopefully that will be all that is required FOREVER! I have sort of made up some of my own rules, one is that I will only drink alcohol at the weekends even though the reccomendations say you can have 8 ounces of wine a day if you want to, I have decided to do 2 evenings in total week...wha wha, I used one of those up last night but it was huge fun, so this weekend in penance I will be a tee totaller to make up for it.
I also managed to finish my first 6 day work out week, and had yesterday off which was utterly blissful(much prefer the day I don't have to work out to the 6 I do), starting again this morning sucked arse though, but that could have more to do with the cocktails last night than the elliptical.

NAKED!

Okay sooo....for the first time since my public shaming began , someone gave me food as a gift (needless to say I KNOW he is not reading my blog or status updates on facebook)...gorgeous, incredible, beautiful chocolates from this store called Naked in Philly....yes, they don't even TRY to be subtle about their alliances, chocolate and sex, both of them sell, that is for sure-now far be it from me to look a gift chocolate in the mouth BUT, I am not at the stage where I can resist them yet, although I am 40% closer, I am simply not there yet.... I had three, dark ones, even though the milk ones were singing to me, calling my name, banging on the box to get out and into my mouth...they were incredible, there are still some left, I will make my honey eat them tonight, and try not to think about them today. My next step might be taking out a full page advert in Opera Now, or sky writing it, not sure. I also realise that people REALLY associate me with food, which is an entirely deserved slight I believe, as I speak about it, and cook it and grow it, and love it, BUT I am trying to change this, so for future reference, if anyone is ever at a loss again about gifts to give me...here it is: Home Depot gift cards, Target gift cards, seeds of any sort, book vouchers, magazine vouchers, flowers , always always flowers, earrings, I am addicted to them, any and all of those make me happy, and do not inspire guilt frenzies or cravings the following day.

New York Strip...yummers.

Yesterday I was grumpy and I had multi grain pita chips , a few would have been perfectly alright but I ate half a bag for my lunch with no veggies or salad and then felt totally sick for the rest of the day, so strangely that helped me get back on track, this morning I awoke dropped off our taxes and then I had a large frittata with spinach and mushrooms for breakfast and managed to resist the biscuits at the Morning Glory cafe, one of our favourite spots in Philly. Tonight I plan on a huge salad and a large new york strip steak, AND possibly a glass of wine, the weather is lovely so we can do it outside, I will get reacquainted with an old friend of mine from my Met days whih will probbaly feel good and bad I suppose.

I worked out at 7 thirty this am so I don't feel guilty at all about my menu.
Oooh I also plan to plant some basil and impatiens seedlings and water my garden...all in all, a great day.

Bored

Ugh my food is boring me at the moment...I am so bored I have not appetite...no more salad, or meat. Yuch yuch yuch.

Vulnerable.

Being on a constant food vigil has made me feel so vulnerable, without sugar to dull my senses and emotions, I feel like I am wearing my heart on my sleeve all the time. Good for artists not so good for life in general...or maybe I am wrong. I have never been easy on the phone and prefer to nurture my friendships by email, but I chose a different path consciously today with lovely results, and I hope I made my special friends know how dear they are to me, how much they mean to me... the bottom line is, as much as I love the email medium somehow it never manages to convey that, the depth of my love, and admiration....phone calls and lunches do it much better. I MUST remember that.

Had a lovely party at the weekend, but tonight I am just plain knackered, my 6 day plan turned into a three day plan as I hurt my foot, and then had a house guest move into my gym for a few nights....soooo tomorrow, foot healed, gym reclaimed, my 6 day quest begins anew.

LUCKY 13!

Down 13 pounds today. Oooh it feels so good.
Adjusting your WOE is like saving money 'the first 10 000 is the hardest' my grandad always said. My mom is also a compulsive saver and she said she only started it late in her life but she is almost addicted to it now and of course 'compound interest, Ang-compound interest', which works like a charm in SA as their interest rates are so high. Well the first 10 pounds were the hardest, but now I know I can do it, and I am committed to it for the long hall (and for today ;).... when I am brutally honest with myself I admit this will take me around 18 months if I am strict and 2 years if I am not....then I will graduate to phase 3 and have to live on that for the rest of my life.

I am in the mood for a bit of a party I have decided, and my sweetheart has some colleagues/friends staying over in preperation for the debut of the Cambini Quintet in Philly on Sunday afternoon, so I thought what a nice excuse for a good time on Sunday night! Maybe some marinated, grilled chicken, and a grilled flank steak, and this grilled veggie salad I saw someone make on TV, dark chocolate for dessert. A South Beach friendly party, good for the waistline and good the soul.

Exceedingly unmotivated this morning.

Need to get on my elliptical. Would like to stay in bed. Am hungry and would prefer ice cream for breakfast.

Day 2 down.

It is sweltering here in Philly today, above 90 in fact, but I got up really early so that I could do my workout in the cool, and I was done by 8 am. It was much better than yesterday's. hopefully tomorrow's will be even better.
I plan on steak and salad for dinner, but I am working from 3 until 9, so no time for dinner, and I will have to wait until around 9 thirty, which can sometimes not be the best thing for me, but at least I am prepared and it is suitably warm to keep my appetite somewhat supressed.

working out

I was supposed to do a 7 day work out plan starting on Sunday, needless to say that did not happen, so I started today instead. It was as horrible as to be expected, but I do it watching SATC, to help keep my mind off how much I hate it, and I really liked one of the dresses and decided I would copy it for a future concert (hey, if you build it he will come and all) it was white and it had beads and sequins...

Responsibility.

Danger ahead! This is the most successful I have ever been on an eating plan and I attribute that in no small part to my sweetheart getting on board wholeheartedly, he has supported me so well, and I felt like he was my biggest champion. For a long while he bought nothing 'bad' into our home (chips,cookies, chocolate etc), and whilst he never really did an intensive phase 1 like me, he pretty much ate the same stuff as I did in the evening, additionally he still consumed toast, jam, Cheerios, but luckily none of these were trigger foods for me , he never stopped drinking entirely but he certainly cut back and he lost 10 pounds too and he looks really great as he didn't actually have that much to lose, however for the last few weeks he has been sneaking things back into the house all with the defensive posture of 'these things aren't for you' which is code for 'have a little will-power, weakling!'...I find this so disheartening, and really scary as I am not at the stage where I can just RESIST everything if I was I would surround myself with this stuff, I wouldn't have bannned sugar entirely from my life, I would practise the eternal 'moderation is key' refrain most people spout at me, I would weigh 100 pounds for @##@#$' sake! After I have had dinner or lunch there isn't usually much worry as I feel full, but in vulnerable moments like when I am tired, lonely, hungry, angry or bored having those things in my house is just a train smash for me, a huge liability. Needless to say my paranoia calls this sabotage, but I suppose some might also say I am unfair to expect someone else to change their way of life for my own benefit and because of my own weaknesses and failings.

Easter

Is there a worse holiday for dieters?

I am particularly partial to Peeps, for those not in the know marshmallows surrounded by sugar, it is sugar water and colouring, and a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiittle piece of heaven, I adore them stale as well. I miss those eggs you get in SA as well, they look like real eggs and they are have a chocolate layer inside the layer of white candy on the outsde and they come in an actual egg punnet ...ooooh, and speckled eggs from woolies...south africa has the best Easter eggs, except for the Peeps of course.

Okay now I am going to cast it from my mind, go to church , give thanks, and look forward to next Easter when I will partake.

New Week

Last week was one of my least faves so far...monster cravings etc... but the good news is this is a new week. It is going to be better, I am sure of it. I am also taking a public vow to work out every day this week, no matter what!

Springtime

I am so glad the sun is shining, my tarragon and mint and chives have all come up, I planted parsley, basil and coriander seeds , so I will see if they take, I really need extra helpings of herbs to make my food nice and flavourful. I am still really suffering with cravings, pretty much since last week Saturday, so I am trying to think what I have done differently that could have caused them to return. I think I have decided to up my portions, maybe I am just not eating enough?? I dunno, maybe I just really want 6 super buttery hot cross buns.

Phew!

Okay scale back down. Total weight loss is 11.5 pounds. Part of this is not getting hysterical, on Monday when I plummeted off the wagon, I was a little despairing, but I calmed down and started Phase 1 on Tuesday again, Tuesday was haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard, Wednesday a little easier, although I did have a glass of champagne at the AVA gala. I have never been able to turn down free champagne, I just can't do it! The gala was stunning. Singer of the evening for me was James Valenti, not only is his voice to die for, but he makes cheapish music sound like Mozart, he is insanely, intensely, stunningly musical, one of my all time favourite things in any singer and my love affair with Eglise Guiterezz'es voice continues, it is so warm and dark in the middle and so sparkly and flexible, and her breath control is a marvel.

Anyway back to food etc, I was lucky enough to have a friend send me this article, and then while reading blogs I found this interesting response ..posted below. I really like knowing information about this battle, as I feel better prepared and better armed, and validated of course, but even now that I am gathering facts it is STILL a war that has to be waged by me AND won, knowing everything there is to know doesn't take that away. I once told a therapist that I felt like I was addicted to sugar and he completely poo pooed the idea and said it was not even a scientific possibility-I believed him...I wish I could get my money back.

Anyway, here they are

http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/2010/03/29/2010-03-29_fatty_foods_may_be_just_as_addictive_as_heroin_and_cocaine_study.html

http://www.salon.com/life/obesity/index.html?story=/food/francis_lam/2010/03/31/food_addiction